Which is worse, being a prude or being a tease?
The latter.
so he suggested his place for coffee or to watch some TV and I know what that means but I wasn’t completely against the idea of making out so I said sure, let’s go to your place.
Probably not a particularly good move on your part.
Is it reasonable to expect a man to read these nonverbal cues and stop?
Good question. My instinct is that if the nonverbal cues are clearly unambiguous, then you’d piss him off less by just verbalizing them. After all, he’s already started his launch sequence and the countdown is commencing. Men that are raised right (not all are), in my experience, more respectful of a girl that suddenly says “hey, I’m really sorry, but this is a little too fast for me” than they are of a girl who tries to use telepathy.
Flip it around. Assume you’ve dated a guy for a month or two, things are going well. Are you more pissed off by the guy who calls you and says “You know, you’re really great, but this isn’t working for me” or the one who becomes more and more emotionally distant over time and then just stops calling you altogether?
In either case, the person who says nothing and hopes that the other person “gets it” are simply cowards who are avoiding an uncomfortable situation.
Most of the time, I made the choice to give the guy a blowjob because I just wanted it to be over, and a blowjob, in my view, is less invasive and intimate than intercourse.
Urk.
Whose fault is it? Ansari? The various guys who didn’t read my signals? Mine? Society’s?
Yours.
“He can’t read your mind,” so many men say. But how many women wouldn’t recognize if their partner went rigid and cold?
Since when have men been as socially intuitive and communicative as women?
Because I expected more out of someone I enjoyed enough to date.
Well, maybe he expected more out of you, too. Maybe to him, you turned into “Just Other Of Those Kind of Girls”.
But I do think we live in a culture that says it’s okay for men to not read and interpret cues because they are expected to have a one-track mind when it comes to sex.
Oh, Sweet Jesus. That’s not it at all.
What it is is that if you wish to be understood, you must be understandable. It’s very easy to miss social cues in conversation; even more so when the cues are happening in the middle of other things happening, if you get my drift.
Just speak up. It’s so damn simple.
It smells distinctly of blaming date rape victims because what did you expect if you wore that dress and went to his apartment?
To me, that’s sounds like a cop-out rationalization. What you wear is ALSO a social cue. If you’re getting yourself into a situation where something might happen, or you might be expected to do something you might not want to do, just speak up beforehand.
EASY: Guy says after a nice date, “How about my place?” You say “I would love to hang out more, but I don’t want to be sexual this early in a relationship”. You say that even if you’re undecided. Easy peasy. Then, if you change your mind, everyone’s happy.
HARD. Guy says after a nice date, “How about my place?” You say “Sure”, because maybe. Then, if you decide NO, and everyone’s UNhappy.
Life’s only hard if we make it hard.
